wake me up when i'm wiser and i'm older...

hey. we've all been there. the stupid decision.

you know. that one where you can pin point the moment in time when you should have turned back. we're talking more then the mushroom cut when you were 12 years old and more then that amazing yet horrific white pleather studded vest (okay so i made that decision pretty recently).

the mistake that kinda sticks with you. that maybe someday-but not right now- you'll be able to shake.

it's almost haunting. as if it defines.

in fact this defining things has really become a major mental point in my daily live.

WHO AM I!?

Freud told me that i should have gone through this whole conflict along time ago and christianity has told me simply that my identify is in christ (i'm not saying that floppily it's very true.)

yet- here am i questioning my every move.

i know i'm not all but "that mistake"- what "that person" thinks of me- "highschool me" even worse "college me" or even worse "i just found out my mom had cancer depressed me"- or even worse "i'm too scared to be anything else but excessively opinionated me"....

but if i'm not just simply who i am in my head, simply who i want to be in my head, simply the mistakes i've made, simply the sum of my part, simply Jesus, simply not Jesus, simply not simple at all!!

this is what i have come up with. with my labeled pop cultures music playing in the background (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nlcIKh6sBtc), my hipster crafted and glittered feathered room, surrounded by three apple products, "best of europe" book beside the classic literature of the woman wore white and the high school picture cluttered bulletin board and given everyone the ability to labeled me or something.....

i am a mess.
i am the truth i choose to believe or the lies i cling too.
i am the decisions i make moving forward.
and i am the goals i set for myself.

my identify is the one thing i can be selfish about. everyone is going to think something of me. and no matter what i'll be hated. haters gonna hate. and no matter i'll be loved. thanks momma.

so i with selfish in my mind in accordance with the bible be who i am.

i've decided in the last few weeks-days really-

that i'm done with planning my future. i'm not making anymore absolutes. i'm not setting crazy goals. i'm not being something. i'm giving up on opinions (unless it speaks up for the vulnerable). i'm not gonna be the girl who doesn't want kids. i'm not going to be the girl who also has to stick by her guns. the girl who through herself so hard into something good or bad.


i'm me.

and who i will turn into will be my goals.
WAIT HOLD THE PHONE YOU JUST SAID YOU WERENT PLANNING ANYMORE ? (smart cookie you)

i'm not. but i'm looking to those i want to be like.
the girl who once wanted to change the world by doing "THINGS" is changing to the woman who is going to change the world by "BEING LOVE".

i'm done with things, opinions and ideals.

i'm moving on to LOVE AND GRACE. anything that goes beside it. goes beside it.

so bring it.
the kids, staying at home, or being the prime minster, the being the wife with homemade jam, the fashionista or sweat pant wearing everyday bum, the rich or the poor, the i have a house or an apartment, the single, the married, the divorced, the strong and the weak, the churched and confused, the i'm healthy ... well most of the time, the dysfunction and desire to be healed- the all of it. bring it. cause i'm not focusing on it anymore.

i'll do my best in all i do.
but i'll become

through his grace- hopefully someday- like the strong women of God i admire

so wake me up

when i'm wiser
and i'm older

to a women who seeks God daily, who searches for ways to employ his glory- and pour out love- and doesn't judge but scatters graces....