it just ends.

dear messy brain,
i sincerely wish i could make more sense of you these days.
moments are passing quickly. some of them are painful. they involve me watching other aching, weep, and sob. i'm not okay with it.
these moments make me scared for my own moments and have caused me to wonder if i really have the strength to go through what so many other have.
death.
cancer.
accidents.
love and the fear of the absence of it.
in the form of a mother, lover, sister or cousin. a friend who is more connected then blood could make it.
to love at all is to be vulnerable.
with no surprises c.s lewis says something genius.
the stab my tendency of beating around the bush and not talking about the real issue at hand i'm just going to lay it out flat.
my best friends cousin died this week.
sounds random and obscure. but never the less extremely affecting.
it selfishly made me reflect on my own situation.
and i've selfishly cried for those alive in my life.
my mom has cancer.
she's had it for a long time.
it's been a battle.
a run with it. and everyday i'm scared, terrified that she won't be strong then it.
i watched this beautiful family immediately come together, to hold hands, cry, grief, weep, laugh and cherish.
i watched as they just let there hearts break with no immediate hope of how to put it back together.
i watched there grace to feel, to love, and just be.
and again i selfishly reflected on me.

how do they have that strength?
how can they be okay with loving again?
how can they feel all of this a put on foot in front of the other?
how did they not shut down?
how did they not push away?
how are their hearts still open?
how are they that beautiful in the midst of it........


i don't know if i could do it.
i don't think i could.
i'm terrified that in that moment i'll push everyone away.
i'll build a cave to protect the growing wound.


and then there is the thought of-
it just being the start
there is already so much hurt
so much pain
so much love that has been broken
the husbands that will die
the children who will suffer
the women that will be ill
the fatherless, the widows, the divorced, the  beatened, the bullied...... i could continue.

i realize this is depressing.
that it just puts negativity into your brain.
that we don't want to hurt.
i get it.
i want to think that i'll have the happy ever after.
that i'll have someone to have the happy ever after with.

that they aren't going to be perfect. but that they will bring joy and that they will be guaranteed.

i want to be able to say with confidence that my mom will be there for the birth of my first child.

but we can't.

i wish i was strong enough or something to say..... and to say continually it is well with my soul
and in uncertainty i cling to the hope of a saviour
and he is the ONE thing

and i believe all the truly
truly

but it doesn't stop the hurt
yes, it reminds me of how much hurt HE suffers as we suffer

but. it doesn't stop the hurt.

there is no pretty ending of learning with this.
it just ends.
and that's is that.

wake me up when i'm wiser and i'm older...

hey. we've all been there. the stupid decision.

you know. that one where you can pin point the moment in time when you should have turned back. we're talking more then the mushroom cut when you were 12 years old and more then that amazing yet horrific white pleather studded vest (okay so i made that decision pretty recently).

the mistake that kinda sticks with you. that maybe someday-but not right now- you'll be able to shake.

it's almost haunting. as if it defines.

in fact this defining things has really become a major mental point in my daily live.

WHO AM I!?

Freud told me that i should have gone through this whole conflict along time ago and christianity has told me simply that my identify is in christ (i'm not saying that floppily it's very true.)

yet- here am i questioning my every move.

i know i'm not all but "that mistake"- what "that person" thinks of me- "highschool me" even worse "college me" or even worse "i just found out my mom had cancer depressed me"- or even worse "i'm too scared to be anything else but excessively opinionated me"....

but if i'm not just simply who i am in my head, simply who i want to be in my head, simply the mistakes i've made, simply the sum of my part, simply Jesus, simply not Jesus, simply not simple at all!!

this is what i have come up with. with my labeled pop cultures music playing in the background (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nlcIKh6sBtc), my hipster crafted and glittered feathered room, surrounded by three apple products, "best of europe" book beside the classic literature of the woman wore white and the high school picture cluttered bulletin board and given everyone the ability to labeled me or something.....

i am a mess.
i am the truth i choose to believe or the lies i cling too.
i am the decisions i make moving forward.
and i am the goals i set for myself.

my identify is the one thing i can be selfish about. everyone is going to think something of me. and no matter what i'll be hated. haters gonna hate. and no matter i'll be loved. thanks momma.

so i with selfish in my mind in accordance with the bible be who i am.

i've decided in the last few weeks-days really-

that i'm done with planning my future. i'm not making anymore absolutes. i'm not setting crazy goals. i'm not being something. i'm giving up on opinions (unless it speaks up for the vulnerable). i'm not gonna be the girl who doesn't want kids. i'm not going to be the girl who also has to stick by her guns. the girl who through herself so hard into something good or bad.


i'm me.

and who i will turn into will be my goals.
WAIT HOLD THE PHONE YOU JUST SAID YOU WERENT PLANNING ANYMORE ? (smart cookie you)

i'm not. but i'm looking to those i want to be like.
the girl who once wanted to change the world by doing "THINGS" is changing to the woman who is going to change the world by "BEING LOVE".

i'm done with things, opinions and ideals.

i'm moving on to LOVE AND GRACE. anything that goes beside it. goes beside it.

so bring it.
the kids, staying at home, or being the prime minster, the being the wife with homemade jam, the fashionista or sweat pant wearing everyday bum, the rich or the poor, the i have a house or an apartment, the single, the married, the divorced, the strong and the weak, the churched and confused, the i'm healthy ... well most of the time, the dysfunction and desire to be healed- the all of it. bring it. cause i'm not focusing on it anymore.

i'll do my best in all i do.
but i'll become

through his grace- hopefully someday- like the strong women of God i admire

so wake me up

when i'm wiser
and i'm older

to a women who seeks God daily, who searches for ways to employ his glory- and pour out love- and doesn't judge but scatters graces....

free.

i'd be the first to admit that i've made a unsurpassable amount of mistakes involving many different aspects of life. some would be viewed by the world as greater and some would be lesser.

these mistakes in my humanness holds me captive.

i'd be the first to admit that  i've been overwhelmed lately. overwhelmed by my family, by situations, by yelling, by love, by life. all of this overwhelming has left me exhausted.

being overwhelmed in my humanness holds me captive.

i'd be the first to admit that i've hurt people. i've judged people. i haven't treated them like they should have been treated. not gone to love on them but rather ignored them. i have not been christ to them.

my imposing of hurt in my humanness holds me captive. if i'm honest the thought of it paralyses me.

i'd be the first to admit that i struggle with negativity. the ability or disabling ability to criticize everything around me.  taking over my gift of encouragement by my urges to be a realist.

my negativity in my humanness hold me captive.

the above mentioned plagued me for a few hours this evening. as i ventured out on a run i felt heavy and weighted. as i continued on using the pavement to be my punching bag for emotions i vividly felt the Lord say to me....

"you are free. you are not held back to what you were yesterday. you are free to be better. you are free to be different. you are free to change. your mistakes do not hold you back."

i couldn't help but spread my arms out. those driving past must have though i lost it a little bit.... but this time i was overwhelmed by something different. grace. so i stretched my arms out and raised them to praise him for something i do not deserve.

you see... grace is what sets me first. grace was what allowed the Lord to speak encouragement to me. HE IS GRACE. AND HE POURS IT OUT ON ME.

the world tells me i am my mistakes, i will never not be overwhelmed by this world, that healing can never come, and that i should become the next eyeore

by God he tells me that i am pure and forgiven- that I am more then an overcomer- that healing can come and his love can fill me- that his joy can fill me-....

that's grace.
that's freedom.
that's the God i serve.
and this is the truth i will cling too.
as i choose to be free.

"And she sings

World, I have overcome you
World, I have overcome you
World, I have overcome
By my song and the blood of a son"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GovD7dw1SAg

(close your eyes and take that song in)

here's a disgusting reality.

here's a disgusting reality.
reading your Bible is hard.



you are going to tell me that out of all the sin an depravity in the world that i choose to use the word disgusting in such a sentence. yes i do.

cause i have fallen. fallen prey to the busyness, the not caring and the i'd rather just turn my light off and go to bed. i've fallen and i've chosen to fall away for time with the Lord.

so why is that digesting?

for just that reason. that He is the Lord. and i say no.
see ya' later the one who created the earth by breath and words.
maybe another time the one who saved my soul from the damnation of hell.
we've had some good times and tonight might not be one of them... i'll just hold onto the promises i already know.
i'm just thinking that tomorrow i might get something out of it... i mean it's not like you are yearning to spend time with me.... humbling and loving.

okay, i do not know if it is really needed for me to go through all of that mostly because it's a stupid use of sarcasm. but the reality is we have the GREATEST of opportunities... i have the GREATEST of opportunities and i willing and knowingly through it away and than have the nerve to complain about so many aspects of my life and even about the fact that i lack encouragement.

here to the marking of a new journey. where i cut the crap and open it up. that i stop getting convicted sunday morning for the soul purpose of it being the once a week i opened my bible. it's to the encouraging times where i looked forward to snuggling down with Bible and journal. it's to the times of prayers that were powerful and that he answered. it's to now. to not making excuses and to not going through the motions. i raise my cup of tea to opening something far more profitable than the newflix tab to watch "how i met your mother" and to spending time with the one being that knows love and myself more than anyone, anything, any being. here is to losing myself and finding it again in the midst of him. 

goodnight loves. xo.