trust.

It has been a fantastic weekend. it has been filled with fun, laughter, and learning about my wonderful saviour.
I've also done a lot of thinking this weekend as I cleaned and organized my room.
Thinking about this thing called trust. To be honey I guess it would have more started with this idea of submission.
You know the inevitable discussion about male and female roles in a biblical context. I struggle with this idea. The idea of submitting. The idea that I will not be the leader and head of my home. That is not to say that I do not realize or grasp the importance of it.
Yet, I do not understand it. I struggle to understand the why of it and if I was being perfectly honest I would have to say the idea scared me into a feeling of not in control of the situation that I may face.
That may make sense to you that make make no sense. Some of you strive and long to be a woman under the leadership of her husband cook, cleaning and mothering. That is wonderful and beautiful.
I've always wished that was a more significant part of my dreams
They are. And some day they will be. But for now they are just there... in the back of my
Back to trust.
Back to being scared.
I've realized that maybe it's not so much the discussion of submitting but more a discussion about trust. Me trusting and placing so much into a hands of someone who will look out for my best interest.
Maybe I'm not prepared to give some one that trust.
We focus so much on the act itself and not the driving power behind that source. Trust.
Do I trust him? To protect, care and lead.
Trust is scary especially when you see the lives of individual fall apart with there marriage.
When you see men stepping out of their families lives and women a like.
Why would I submit to something when .... that could only cause more pain.
I am a capable young women. And I can do it.
But I can't.
I can't do it without God. I can't do it without relationships. I can't do it without so many things.. I am not strong enough.
And maybe I am still looking it at it the wrong way because it is trusting God to bring a man of HIM into my life that I can trust.
I am processing as I write this so it is fresh from my mind,uncensored and I am sure slightly confusing and rambling.
Trust God first.
Know yourself first.
Fall in love after.
Trusting him will be so much easier..

And than the submitting that I as a woman am called to do will follow. I trust God to cultivate that in my life so that I can force it to follow.

I am woman hear my roar.

Roar: love, grace, strength, forgiveness, laughter, joy, prayer, peace, and the fruits of what He has called us to be.

blessing.

I just wanted to share with you one of the blessing in my life. A good friend that I ment down in Texas... who actually lives in Cali come up to see me. We had a great week of coffee (for her hot chocolate), milk bags (because American doen't have those, amazing talks, reading, and just doing life together.

Count your blessings. Name them one by one. This blessings name is Steph.

Jesus you are beautiful.
You gave us the beautiful colours of fall that surrond us in vivid colours.
You gave us a powerful wind that shows might.
You gave us change.
There are starts that shine bright in the sky
Flowers that are simply and delicate.
Sun Shines, Sunsets, and the mooon.
There are mountains and valleys.
Country with vast range of culture.
With vast range or nature, people, and love.
Lord, thank you for it.
Let us not forget that you are in the nature. That nature is a represenation of some many of your qualities. And that through nature you bless. It is beautiful.
You are beautiful.
Thank-you.

Your Daughter, Kayla

this thing called balance.

Balance is a word that haunts me. It like a big black cloud hanging over my head saying ... you havn't quite figure out what to do with me yet. It effects all of life in every way. And not in a way of having to much on your plate you can't balance it all but in a way of how do I make this healthy? How do I make this godly? How do I do all this without being selfish? How do I do all of this without getting burnt out? What's more important working an extra shift to relief some money stree or sleeping in a spending the morning with your family? What about people who are always there. They are hurting. Or they need help. You want to help them but eventually the stress of their situation overwhelms into your world.

This things called balance seems entirely to confusing but without it the big black circles around our eyes grow bigger and the accomplisment of the important things grow smaller.
Be postive. But be realisitc.
Be relaxed. But work hard and find for your dreams.
Get good grades. But maintain a social life and be invovled in extra curricular activies.
Spend time with your family. But spend time with your friends.
Do arts a crafts. But don't forget to travel the world.
Enjoy a homemade meal. But don't forget to take a break and let someone else cook.
Don't fight. But stand up for what you believe in.
Have an opinion. But not to much of one.
Be beautiful. But don't try to hard.

Do this... not that.. Too much.. Not enough.. Too traditional... Too strange... Change that.. Be this...

We fight for balance.
The world tells us what we should be.
We again fight for balance in listening to the world and listening to your selves.

It's a battle that is underated. So how do I find the balance in today? What I am suppose to do today? That's not to much and not too little.

How do I make a difference and an impact?

Maybe it's simply but not over thinking things. By being cheerful, myself and about just remembing to BE. Instead of trying to find this mysterious balance.