I choose....

After a day filled with grumpiness, judgement and frustration. After feeling incapable in myself and my personality I made up my mind to be me no matter what and to be the best version of myself I can be (with the help of the Lord).

And so this is who I choose to be:.

I choose to smile.
I choose to be quirky.
I choose to not call myself a loser.
I choose to be proud.
I choose to make others  smile.
I choose compassion, love and kindness.
I choose perfectionism.
I choose polka dotted pants.
I choose confidence.
I choose to embrace emotion.
I choose to accept correction but not criticism.
I choose to not be hindered by others.
I choose to be known for the things other can't fault.
I choose to believe in inward beauty.
I choose to befriend the outcast even if it is me.
I choose to have an opinion but only when needed.
I choose to hear advice and not judgment.
I choose friends over enemies.
I choose patience over frustration.
I choose a smile over a frown.
Far above:
I choose to emulate Christ over satan.
I choose to live for eternity instead of in the moment.
I choose weakness in strength over strength in pride.
I choose to pray over worry.
I choose love, chase and pursue Jesus Christ over anything else.

nothing left to give...

i hesitate to write this. 

on the soul purpose of being an emotional "blogger type". 

but i already had the blog. 

so i guess i was always half there. 

ever get to that point. 

nothing left to give. 

family 

direction

fears

thoughts

friends

volunteering

vision

GOD

church

social

school

hobbies

sleeping

all of it. 

when the things we thought brought us satisfaction become.... 

empty. 

okay 

okay okay

stop. 

you're sounding a little depressed there Kay. 

nope. it's not that. 

it's just. 

defeat. 

i just said to some one today. it's not something i've felt before. 

the continue of it anyways. 

it's the i don't know what to do to keep my head up. 

 but that's the thing. 

nothing. 

don't we want the answer. 

the moment. 

the AHHH! i've got it. 

don't we want the motivational saying. 

the emotional eating and shopping trips. 

the run my heart out. 

the friendship and gossip. 

whatever it may be. 

the journalling. 

the tea. 

the bible. 

the Jesus. 

to snap their magical fingers. 

to step in. 

and say. 

come here. 

it's all going to be okay. 

and don't get me wrong. 

that happen. 

i can't count high enough to remember those moments. 

me and Jesus. 

have shared together. 

the countless. 

step into my arms. 

cry. 

i'm here. 

but... 

we're promised. 

drought. 

dry. 

hard. 

blah. 

so i write this to say. 

we've been there. 

all of us. 

i'm there. 

what's next. 

no idea. 

what's your vision. 

no idea. 

what's motivating you. 

no idea. 

what's the good in this week. 

no idea. 

(sure, judge me. tell me what i know. tell me that i'll soar on wings like eagles, the kids in africa are starving, that i have a bed to sleep on friends to call up.. i know. i'm not discounting my blessing, my job, my food or my God.) 

well Kay, this is not encouraging. 

here's the thing. 

it's not. 

i feel blah. 

i feel like i have no idea of much. 

but so I will continue on. 

WHY

cause there is one thing that i will and can cling to. 

that I am loved. 

that he knows how I feel. 

that he gets it. 

that in THIS TIME he interceded on my behalf. 

that he knows I am human. 

that this feeling isn't sinful  (yep... how I act on it sure can be)

that great men of old felt this way (have you read the ps. before)

that they got through. 

i just don't get why we prepared everything is great. 

all the time. 

we all have poop times. (yes poetic right!) 

WHY

because once you've experience 

JESUS CHIRST

in the reailties of who he is

no matter

of anything

anywhere

any time

there is no denying he is real, love, strength, power, majestic, justice, good, faithful. 

MY GOD. 

and he is inside of me. 

and he is what will overcome. 

so go forward. 

maybe not running (though one day you will)

go forth (though it may not be far)

shine for him (though it might not be blinding)

dwell in him (for that is all you can do)

and know. 

he is in you. 

he loves you. 

and all he needs is one step at a time. 

for once you know him. 

there is no going back. 

onward. 

he is working in more way than you know. 

this state of vulnerability. 

he will use it. 

this despair. 

he is in it. 

WATCH OUT. 

for in OUR weakness. HE is made strong. 

WATCH OUT satan. i may feel defeated but you are about to be DEFEATED. 

thanks for listening world. 

love, kay. 

I am shocked by the sheer lack of freedom that we claim and the appearance that through our claimed freedom  as christian how phony we become.

I am free. In him. I will serve him holding nothing back. I will surrender everything. I will be victorious.

Yet in it all.... and despite it all we say this;

I am free but feel condemned by the addictions of my flesh. In him... I am free but I haven't been in him on a daily and faithfully aching way. I will serve him holding nothing back but I just don't want to move there and I just don't want to work there and I feel like I would, could, maybe do more work for you over here. I will be victorious but it would be really nice if I could be victorious in the way of ya' know feel happy, have a nice happy marriage and live in a house with a Pickett fence.

I'm not saying having someone of those things are wrong, I'm not saying all of you say all of those things... well maybe I am.

Cause we are only fooling yourself to think we have not been in one of those places at one point in our lives. I can say it will certainty for the great men of old had the same thoughts and the same struggles.

Job 25

"Then Bildad the Shuhite answered and said: Dominion and fear are with God, he makes pece in his high heaven. Is there any number to his armies? Upon whom does his light not arise? How than can man be in the right before God? How can he who is born of woman be pure? Behold even the moon is not bright, and the starts are not pure in his eyes; how much less man, who is a maggot and the son of man, who is a worm!"

Feel discourage? Feel like you messed up? Feel unpure?

You are. You have. You have reason to be.

BECAUSE this faith you claim. These words you speak of victory and trust. The life you life that should be drastically different than anything this world has seen.

DOES NOT come from anything of you. How can who is born of woman be pure? You're not. You're sinful.

How can who is born of God be pure? Through blood on a cross. Through faith and forgiveness. A forgiveness that is over and over again.

When you find that victorious and place of true surrender in him. CLING TO IT. For few find it. And fewer maintain it.