it just ends.

dear messy brain,
i sincerely wish i could make more sense of you these days.
moments are passing quickly. some of them are painful. they involve me watching other aching, weep, and sob. i'm not okay with it.
these moments make me scared for my own moments and have caused me to wonder if i really have the strength to go through what so many other have.
death.
cancer.
accidents.
love and the fear of the absence of it.
in the form of a mother, lover, sister or cousin. a friend who is more connected then blood could make it.
to love at all is to be vulnerable.
with no surprises c.s lewis says something genius.
the stab my tendency of beating around the bush and not talking about the real issue at hand i'm just going to lay it out flat.
my best friends cousin died this week.
sounds random and obscure. but never the less extremely affecting.
it selfishly made me reflect on my own situation.
and i've selfishly cried for those alive in my life.
my mom has cancer.
she's had it for a long time.
it's been a battle.
a run with it. and everyday i'm scared, terrified that she won't be strong then it.
i watched this beautiful family immediately come together, to hold hands, cry, grief, weep, laugh and cherish.
i watched as they just let there hearts break with no immediate hope of how to put it back together.
i watched there grace to feel, to love, and just be.
and again i selfishly reflected on me.

how do they have that strength?
how can they be okay with loving again?
how can they feel all of this a put on foot in front of the other?
how did they not shut down?
how did they not push away?
how are their hearts still open?
how are they that beautiful in the midst of it........


i don't know if i could do it.
i don't think i could.
i'm terrified that in that moment i'll push everyone away.
i'll build a cave to protect the growing wound.


and then there is the thought of-
it just being the start
there is already so much hurt
so much pain
so much love that has been broken
the husbands that will die
the children who will suffer
the women that will be ill
the fatherless, the widows, the divorced, the  beatened, the bullied...... i could continue.

i realize this is depressing.
that it just puts negativity into your brain.
that we don't want to hurt.
i get it.
i want to think that i'll have the happy ever after.
that i'll have someone to have the happy ever after with.

that they aren't going to be perfect. but that they will bring joy and that they will be guaranteed.

i want to be able to say with confidence that my mom will be there for the birth of my first child.

but we can't.

i wish i was strong enough or something to say..... and to say continually it is well with my soul
and in uncertainty i cling to the hope of a saviour
and he is the ONE thing

and i believe all the truly
truly

but it doesn't stop the hurt
yes, it reminds me of how much hurt HE suffers as we suffer

but. it doesn't stop the hurt.

there is no pretty ending of learning with this.
it just ends.
and that's is that.