nothing left to give...

i hesitate to write this. 

on the soul purpose of being an emotional "blogger type". 

but i already had the blog. 

so i guess i was always half there. 

ever get to that point. 

nothing left to give. 

family 

direction

fears

thoughts

friends

volunteering

vision

GOD

church

social

school

hobbies

sleeping

all of it. 

when the things we thought brought us satisfaction become.... 

empty. 

okay 

okay okay

stop. 

you're sounding a little depressed there Kay. 

nope. it's not that. 

it's just. 

defeat. 

i just said to some one today. it's not something i've felt before. 

the continue of it anyways. 

it's the i don't know what to do to keep my head up. 

 but that's the thing. 

nothing. 

don't we want the answer. 

the moment. 

the AHHH! i've got it. 

don't we want the motivational saying. 

the emotional eating and shopping trips. 

the run my heart out. 

the friendship and gossip. 

whatever it may be. 

the journalling. 

the tea. 

the bible. 

the Jesus. 

to snap their magical fingers. 

to step in. 

and say. 

come here. 

it's all going to be okay. 

and don't get me wrong. 

that happen. 

i can't count high enough to remember those moments. 

me and Jesus. 

have shared together. 

the countless. 

step into my arms. 

cry. 

i'm here. 

but... 

we're promised. 

drought. 

dry. 

hard. 

blah. 

so i write this to say. 

we've been there. 

all of us. 

i'm there. 

what's next. 

no idea. 

what's your vision. 

no idea. 

what's motivating you. 

no idea. 

what's the good in this week. 

no idea. 

(sure, judge me. tell me what i know. tell me that i'll soar on wings like eagles, the kids in africa are starving, that i have a bed to sleep on friends to call up.. i know. i'm not discounting my blessing, my job, my food or my God.) 

well Kay, this is not encouraging. 

here's the thing. 

it's not. 

i feel blah. 

i feel like i have no idea of much. 

but so I will continue on. 

WHY

cause there is one thing that i will and can cling to. 

that I am loved. 

that he knows how I feel. 

that he gets it. 

that in THIS TIME he interceded on my behalf. 

that he knows I am human. 

that this feeling isn't sinful  (yep... how I act on it sure can be)

that great men of old felt this way (have you read the ps. before)

that they got through. 

i just don't get why we prepared everything is great. 

all the time. 

we all have poop times. (yes poetic right!) 

WHY

because once you've experience 

JESUS CHIRST

in the reailties of who he is

no matter

of anything

anywhere

any time

there is no denying he is real, love, strength, power, majestic, justice, good, faithful. 

MY GOD. 

and he is inside of me. 

and he is what will overcome. 

so go forward. 

maybe not running (though one day you will)

go forth (though it may not be far)

shine for him (though it might not be blinding)

dwell in him (for that is all you can do)

and know. 

he is in you. 

he loves you. 

and all he needs is one step at a time. 

for once you know him. 

there is no going back. 

onward. 

he is working in more way than you know. 

this state of vulnerability. 

he will use it. 

this despair. 

he is in it. 

WATCH OUT. 

for in OUR weakness. HE is made strong. 

WATCH OUT satan. i may feel defeated but you are about to be DEFEATED. 

thanks for listening world. 

love, kay.