here's a disgusting reality.

here's a disgusting reality.
reading your Bible is hard.



you are going to tell me that out of all the sin an depravity in the world that i choose to use the word disgusting in such a sentence. yes i do.

cause i have fallen. fallen prey to the busyness, the not caring and the i'd rather just turn my light off and go to bed. i've fallen and i've chosen to fall away for time with the Lord.

so why is that digesting?

for just that reason. that He is the Lord. and i say no.
see ya' later the one who created the earth by breath and words.
maybe another time the one who saved my soul from the damnation of hell.
we've had some good times and tonight might not be one of them... i'll just hold onto the promises i already know.
i'm just thinking that tomorrow i might get something out of it... i mean it's not like you are yearning to spend time with me.... humbling and loving.

okay, i do not know if it is really needed for me to go through all of that mostly because it's a stupid use of sarcasm. but the reality is we have the GREATEST of opportunities... i have the GREATEST of opportunities and i willing and knowingly through it away and than have the nerve to complain about so many aspects of my life and even about the fact that i lack encouragement.

here to the marking of a new journey. where i cut the crap and open it up. that i stop getting convicted sunday morning for the soul purpose of it being the once a week i opened my bible. it's to the encouraging times where i looked forward to snuggling down with Bible and journal. it's to the times of prayers that were powerful and that he answered. it's to now. to not making excuses and to not going through the motions. i raise my cup of tea to opening something far more profitable than the newflix tab to watch "how i met your mother" and to spending time with the one being that knows love and myself more than anyone, anything, any being. here is to losing myself and finding it again in the midst of him. 

goodnight loves. xo.

I choose....

After a day filled with grumpiness, judgement and frustration. After feeling incapable in myself and my personality I made up my mind to be me no matter what and to be the best version of myself I can be (with the help of the Lord).

And so this is who I choose to be:.

I choose to smile.
I choose to be quirky.
I choose to not call myself a loser.
I choose to be proud.
I choose to make others  smile.
I choose compassion, love and kindness.
I choose perfectionism.
I choose polka dotted pants.
I choose confidence.
I choose to embrace emotion.
I choose to accept correction but not criticism.
I choose to not be hindered by others.
I choose to be known for the things other can't fault.
I choose to believe in inward beauty.
I choose to befriend the outcast even if it is me.
I choose to have an opinion but only when needed.
I choose to hear advice and not judgment.
I choose friends over enemies.
I choose patience over frustration.
I choose a smile over a frown.
Far above:
I choose to emulate Christ over satan.
I choose to live for eternity instead of in the moment.
I choose weakness in strength over strength in pride.
I choose to pray over worry.
I choose love, chase and pursue Jesus Christ over anything else.

nothing left to give...

i hesitate to write this. 

on the soul purpose of being an emotional "blogger type". 

but i already had the blog. 

so i guess i was always half there. 

ever get to that point. 

nothing left to give. 

family 

direction

fears

thoughts

friends

volunteering

vision

GOD

church

social

school

hobbies

sleeping

all of it. 

when the things we thought brought us satisfaction become.... 

empty. 

okay 

okay okay

stop. 

you're sounding a little depressed there Kay. 

nope. it's not that. 

it's just. 

defeat. 

i just said to some one today. it's not something i've felt before. 

the continue of it anyways. 

it's the i don't know what to do to keep my head up. 

 but that's the thing. 

nothing. 

don't we want the answer. 

the moment. 

the AHHH! i've got it. 

don't we want the motivational saying. 

the emotional eating and shopping trips. 

the run my heart out. 

the friendship and gossip. 

whatever it may be. 

the journalling. 

the tea. 

the bible. 

the Jesus. 

to snap their magical fingers. 

to step in. 

and say. 

come here. 

it's all going to be okay. 

and don't get me wrong. 

that happen. 

i can't count high enough to remember those moments. 

me and Jesus. 

have shared together. 

the countless. 

step into my arms. 

cry. 

i'm here. 

but... 

we're promised. 

drought. 

dry. 

hard. 

blah. 

so i write this to say. 

we've been there. 

all of us. 

i'm there. 

what's next. 

no idea. 

what's your vision. 

no idea. 

what's motivating you. 

no idea. 

what's the good in this week. 

no idea. 

(sure, judge me. tell me what i know. tell me that i'll soar on wings like eagles, the kids in africa are starving, that i have a bed to sleep on friends to call up.. i know. i'm not discounting my blessing, my job, my food or my God.) 

well Kay, this is not encouraging. 

here's the thing. 

it's not. 

i feel blah. 

i feel like i have no idea of much. 

but so I will continue on. 

WHY

cause there is one thing that i will and can cling to. 

that I am loved. 

that he knows how I feel. 

that he gets it. 

that in THIS TIME he interceded on my behalf. 

that he knows I am human. 

that this feeling isn't sinful  (yep... how I act on it sure can be)

that great men of old felt this way (have you read the ps. before)

that they got through. 

i just don't get why we prepared everything is great. 

all the time. 

we all have poop times. (yes poetic right!) 

WHY

because once you've experience 

JESUS CHIRST

in the reailties of who he is

no matter

of anything

anywhere

any time

there is no denying he is real, love, strength, power, majestic, justice, good, faithful. 

MY GOD. 

and he is inside of me. 

and he is what will overcome. 

so go forward. 

maybe not running (though one day you will)

go forth (though it may not be far)

shine for him (though it might not be blinding)

dwell in him (for that is all you can do)

and know. 

he is in you. 

he loves you. 

and all he needs is one step at a time. 

for once you know him. 

there is no going back. 

onward. 

he is working in more way than you know. 

this state of vulnerability. 

he will use it. 

this despair. 

he is in it. 

WATCH OUT. 

for in OUR weakness. HE is made strong. 

WATCH OUT satan. i may feel defeated but you are about to be DEFEATED. 

thanks for listening world. 

love, kay. 

I am shocked by the sheer lack of freedom that we claim and the appearance that through our claimed freedom  as christian how phony we become.

I am free. In him. I will serve him holding nothing back. I will surrender everything. I will be victorious.

Yet in it all.... and despite it all we say this;

I am free but feel condemned by the addictions of my flesh. In him... I am free but I haven't been in him on a daily and faithfully aching way. I will serve him holding nothing back but I just don't want to move there and I just don't want to work there and I feel like I would, could, maybe do more work for you over here. I will be victorious but it would be really nice if I could be victorious in the way of ya' know feel happy, have a nice happy marriage and live in a house with a Pickett fence.

I'm not saying having someone of those things are wrong, I'm not saying all of you say all of those things... well maybe I am.

Cause we are only fooling yourself to think we have not been in one of those places at one point in our lives. I can say it will certainty for the great men of old had the same thoughts and the same struggles.

Job 25

"Then Bildad the Shuhite answered and said: Dominion and fear are with God, he makes pece in his high heaven. Is there any number to his armies? Upon whom does his light not arise? How than can man be in the right before God? How can he who is born of woman be pure? Behold even the moon is not bright, and the starts are not pure in his eyes; how much less man, who is a maggot and the son of man, who is a worm!"

Feel discourage? Feel like you messed up? Feel unpure?

You are. You have. You have reason to be.

BECAUSE this faith you claim. These words you speak of victory and trust. The life you life that should be drastically different than anything this world has seen.

DOES NOT come from anything of you. How can who is born of woman be pure? You're not. You're sinful.

How can who is born of God be pure? Through blood on a cross. Through faith and forgiveness. A forgiveness that is over and over again.

When you find that victorious and place of true surrender in him. CLING TO IT. For few find it. And fewer maintain it.

learning whirlwinds.

What’s on my feet? Grey flats. Nothing make you feel as great as a pair of shoes that are just so cute.

What’s on my plate? A parfait. “Everybody loves a parfait!” –Donkey

What’s on the agenda? Starfield concert. Yes, please.

What’s on my mind? Okay, grab some tea. And snuggle down for a moment. We have some things to chat about.

Even though my mind has been a swirling maze of thoughts and lessons that the Lord is graciously, quietly, and over and over and over again teaching me I’m going to pick two of those to share. I’m also going to take a risk. Some of more personal than I usually speak about. So be kind with my heart.

1. Sabbath; (I’ve got to ease into the personal  ... so I’ll start with something more light hearted and general.) I’ve started reading a particular devotion book. It begins by speaking about the Sabbath. This day that God created. It seemed as though it was a funny place to start. Why the Sabbath? A topic that we (who’ve grown up in or around the church) have heard about and have heard the importance about time and time again. It is something I could have spit up the answer to if you asked my “What is it?” or “Why is it?” I’ve never dwelled on it personal connection to me. As we know, God is a personal God and I’m not sure he does things very often that aren’t personally suppose to impact us in some way. So, how does this day that rings the words of a foreign concept named “rest” impact me? The 22 yr old woman who has a hard enough time maintaining quietness for an evening at home more or less being restful for a entire day. It impacts me because it was made me for me. See that’s the crazy thing about God. God maintains a role as our heavenly father and that means that he looks out for our needs. And what’s even more crazy is that him, being God, in all glory, and heavenly greatness, being far above us and being far superior to us in every way spend the time to account for not only our spiritual needs by physical. He made a day for us. He made something for us. God made something for me.

Okay, you do realize he died on the cross for you right? That is much more pain staking than making a day of rest. Sabbath is actually a lot more peaceful and easy for the both parties.

Yeah, I got that. But here’s the thing. And work with me here. Let’s say I’m dating someone. He loves me. He asks me to marry him. We have a wedding. The most beautiful of weddings filled with every dream I’ve ever dreamt about lovely little things with white table clothes, candles everywhere, roses adoring everything and the perfect amounts starts in the night sky. It the best day ever right? It’s the start of something?

Okay, so after that day. After the honeymoon, after the glam and the glitter and after 10 maybe 15 and hopefully so many more years of marriage what matters? The flowers that are brought home at random, it is the surprise starbucks in the morning, it’s the I planned a fun day trip for you just because you had a hard week, it is the continually reassurance of “I love you’s”. It’s not just the saying of I love you to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond and forever and ever but than showing that.  The display is in fact displayed on the wedding day... it is the “Hey world! We love each other!” but if it is not done after that it means nothing. It is the realization that he knows you well enough, spends enough time and cares enough to realize what you need, when you need it and why you need it. That you a worthy of time and consideration.

Don’t get me wrong I’m not undermining at all what was done on the cross. That expression of love was the greatest and more powerful; it is the most breath taking and encompasses more passion, forgiveness, and irreplaceable actions of love that I can wrap my head around. It’s the wedding. The huge. The public display. It’s the bang. The start of it all.

The Sabbath… is the what come after.

Your still not buying it yet are you. I wonder if God looked at us and thought. My love is so intense but it is also simple and in it’s simplicity it is beautiful. Here is a gift for them. It’s called the Sabbath.

You see this day was not created for him with rules and regulations. It was made for us. It even says it in Mark 2:27. Here’s your day. To rest. To look at me. To dwell on me. To gaze upon me love. To realize I am your creator. To be thankful for my plan of redemption. Here is my gift of a day to know me more. A day to rest in me. To be refilled with my goodness, and grace. I know you well enough to know that in this crazy world, filled with up and downs that you are going to forget that that day. The big day of a public display of love and you are going to forget the impact it had on your life and because of that you are going to get worn down, bogged day. Here’s a day to remember it. Here’s a day to remember me. Here you go daughter. I’m taking care of you on this one.

2. Transition; Wow that took a lot longer to get out than I thought it would. So I’ll try to make this point short and sweet. This stage of life kind of sucks. There that’s it. I’ve summed it. I guess when I stage I’m talking like 22-30ish. Maybe. I don’t know I haven’t gotten that far yet. Everything is in transition. You finish school and you feel as though you are going to change the world. You get a job. You don’t feel like your changing the world. It’s a end to a mean but you start to realize that your not sure what that end is anymore. You would like to be married but ya’ know you don’t have a huge amount of control over it. And that’s okay. You have great friends but they are in transition to and a lot of them have moved away. Or they’ve gotten married but that means you don’t see them as much. And both those things are great but they are just different. And provide you with more transitions. Transition of life, of love, of God of so many things. So you keep praying, and moving forward. I feel as though it could be acknowledged a little bit more. This is me saying .. Here it is. This stage of life. It’s confusing. But how do you get through it? I’ll let you know when I do. But for now this is what I know.

God is good.

Great.

Awesome.

And sovereign.

He is ever so in love with me and me with him.

He has a plan. He will guide and lead if I allow it. He is my best friend and my comforter. He provides.

Transition or no transition he is the same God he has always been and will always be. So I cling to that. Because as I get more confused His clarity never falters. Praise him for that.

The other thing is this; a quote I found.

“Some times while your following your dreams you find another, different, better dream to follow.” (Or something like that)

Isn’t that great? How true? It’s okay for my dreams to change. They have. I don’t want to be the nurse like Florence Nightingale anymore and I certainly don’t think my career as Pocahontas will work out like I hoped it would when I

was 8 yrs old.

But I think the most important part is to never stop dreaming, never stop believing that you can change the world. Just remember that just as important as the dreams are the people who are there when the dreams come true. Don’t lose sight of that either.

So off I go to sink into my day dream of changing the world, making a difference, falling in love, and having it all. Maybe someday I will realize that I can’t have it all.

But for now I choose the bliss of believing that this independent and stubborn woman, with the help of a amazing God (who I’m sure will take this words and teach me something crazy or completely opposite to what I am saying) can do something great (because He has called us all to greatness) and can do it while making a mess of it, trying to be healthy but eating to much ice cream, laughing till my belly aches, and failing madly in love (And just so you know it doesn’t make you less of a person to want that love part.. it merely makes you human).

Some may laugh. Call me young naïve. Maybe one day I’ll look back and think I was. I pray that never happens.

Enjoy today. And fall into a wonderful dream… than take that dream a make it happen or at least believe it can. 

.

People are worth it.

What I am listening too... Keep your Eyes open- The Reckoning- NEEDTOBREATHE

What I am drinking.... Healthy water :) Trying to clear up the skin on the face.

What am I reading... Marie Claire. A fun mag that not to trashy, has beauty, fashion and even world issues. This month has Reese in it. A personal favorite actress of mine.

And finally.. What's on my mind: Unfortunately this one won't be over and done with in a one sentence answer like the rest. I got a call today from the local mental health association. I have a volunteer interview for a position on there crisis distress line. Whoa. What an opportunity. It be able to hear individuals thoughts, hurts, cry's, pain, worries.

It make me think. About mental health. About how I deal with it. About how the church deals with it. About it all.

Which in turns leads me to think about the "Other side of the desk."

It's a poem on of my co-workers gave me. It hits home. It takes away judgement. It take us out of our self and begin to help us realize that this "we are better" attitude is nothing less than ignorance.

The Other Side of the Desk

Have you ever through just a wee little bit

Of how it would seem to be a "misfit"

And how you would feel if you had to sit

On the other side of the desk?

Have you looked at the kid who "seemed a bum"?

As he sat before you nervous.. dumb..

And thought of the courage it took to come

To the other side of the desk?

Have you thought to yourself: "It could be I"

If the good things in life had passed me by.

And maybe I'd bluster and maybe I'd lie

To the other side of the desk

Did you make him feel he was full of greed,

Make him ashamed of his race or creed;

Or did you reach out to him in his need

To the other side of the desk?

May we all have widsom, and lots of it,

And much compassion and plenty of grit,

So we may be kinder to those who sit

On the other side of the desk.

There are no words that I can add to that. Just think about it dwell on it. One car accident, one tramatic event, one lose of job, support system that fall through, a death, a pain or an ache, one sports accident gone wrong, one dumb decison that you can't take back and you will end up on the other side of the desk, on the other side of the phone, on the other side of everything.

So be thankful, know your blessed and understand that in a moment it can all be gone. Have understanding. Stop to look around you. See who needs extra help. Take the time to give it to them. Give take the time to just understand mental illness and other types as welll. Take the time to treasure and give extra attention to family in hard time. Just take the time.... People are worth it. And I would hope if it was me.. Someone would take the extra time to help me through it, to have coffee with me, to listen to me, and be a simple, yet, loyal friend.

radio.

Today for the first time I enjoyed the movie Radio.


powerful.

inspire.

interesting.

Why?

On so many levels. I love to hear people comments throughout the movie. I love to feel my own reactions. To watch the movie and be intrigued by a behavioral classed as so strange. But the most unique, precious, and beautiful part of the movie is the simple love shown. From all sign. Form the football coach to Radio and back from Radio to the football coach.


Simple love that is outrageous and life changing.

Simple love knows no bounds.


It is not hinder by how "cool" we think we will look. It is not hinder by how much time we have. It is not hinder by the amount of love that we have inside of us. Because it's not us. It can't be us. It must be God.

We love because He first loved us. We can only begin to love because of His love.

And you see, we see "these people" as we call them.. allude to them.. and define them.. as our outreach, our project someone who needs a friend.

We look at them as someone who needs to be supported, someone who needs love, someone who is weak and needs our strength to build them up.

To all of this I scream it is false.

We are the ones who are defined by society, who are scared to love without limits and without speculation, we are the ones who need a friend. We are those we are to stubborn to let people support us and we have never needed to show the strength other show each day.

I've never seen such strength steam from individuals who are verbally and emotionally beaten by the world around them. I've never seen such a victory over the tricks and emotions mental illness play in the mind of individuals ever day. I've never seen such passionate thinkers and feelers than those are placed into the world of developmental disabilities.

There is something beautiful how smiles. And that when they smile they are real, heartfelt, and genuine. That there smiles can reflect rooted in the depth of there soul. 

There is something beautiful about how they feel. Up or down. They feel it. And they feel it hard.


There is something beautiful about how they love. The love without limits.

There is something beautiful about there strength. Continually being mocked by the world and than picking themselves back up.

This is not to discount challenges and at times appropriate ways of acting. This is not to say that together we can work together to control emotions, tendencies and behavior. But to break and bend "normal" a little bit, to live with understand and grace, and to bestow simple love.


It's about time we stop asking them to take lessons from us and we start taking some from them. And let the first lesson be.. that there is no "us" and "them" but all together in one singular word humans.