it just ends.

dear messy brain,
i sincerely wish i could make more sense of you these days.
moments are passing quickly. some of them are painful. they involve me watching other aching, weep, and sob. i'm not okay with it.
these moments make me scared for my own moments and have caused me to wonder if i really have the strength to go through what so many other have.
death.
cancer.
accidents.
love and the fear of the absence of it.
in the form of a mother, lover, sister or cousin. a friend who is more connected then blood could make it.
to love at all is to be vulnerable.
with no surprises c.s lewis says something genius.
the stab my tendency of beating around the bush and not talking about the real issue at hand i'm just going to lay it out flat.
my best friends cousin died this week.
sounds random and obscure. but never the less extremely affecting.
it selfishly made me reflect on my own situation.
and i've selfishly cried for those alive in my life.
my mom has cancer.
she's had it for a long time.
it's been a battle.
a run with it. and everyday i'm scared, terrified that she won't be strong then it.
i watched this beautiful family immediately come together, to hold hands, cry, grief, weep, laugh and cherish.
i watched as they just let there hearts break with no immediate hope of how to put it back together.
i watched there grace to feel, to love, and just be.
and again i selfishly reflected on me.

how do they have that strength?
how can they be okay with loving again?
how can they feel all of this a put on foot in front of the other?
how did they not shut down?
how did they not push away?
how are their hearts still open?
how are they that beautiful in the midst of it........


i don't know if i could do it.
i don't think i could.
i'm terrified that in that moment i'll push everyone away.
i'll build a cave to protect the growing wound.


and then there is the thought of-
it just being the start
there is already so much hurt
so much pain
so much love that has been broken
the husbands that will die
the children who will suffer
the women that will be ill
the fatherless, the widows, the divorced, the  beatened, the bullied...... i could continue.

i realize this is depressing.
that it just puts negativity into your brain.
that we don't want to hurt.
i get it.
i want to think that i'll have the happy ever after.
that i'll have someone to have the happy ever after with.

that they aren't going to be perfect. but that they will bring joy and that they will be guaranteed.

i want to be able to say with confidence that my mom will be there for the birth of my first child.

but we can't.

i wish i was strong enough or something to say..... and to say continually it is well with my soul
and in uncertainty i cling to the hope of a saviour
and he is the ONE thing

and i believe all the truly
truly

but it doesn't stop the hurt
yes, it reminds me of how much hurt HE suffers as we suffer

but. it doesn't stop the hurt.

there is no pretty ending of learning with this.
it just ends.
and that's is that.

wake me up when i'm wiser and i'm older...

hey. we've all been there. the stupid decision.

you know. that one where you can pin point the moment in time when you should have turned back. we're talking more then the mushroom cut when you were 12 years old and more then that amazing yet horrific white pleather studded vest (okay so i made that decision pretty recently).

the mistake that kinda sticks with you. that maybe someday-but not right now- you'll be able to shake.

it's almost haunting. as if it defines.

in fact this defining things has really become a major mental point in my daily live.

WHO AM I!?

Freud told me that i should have gone through this whole conflict along time ago and christianity has told me simply that my identify is in christ (i'm not saying that floppily it's very true.)

yet- here am i questioning my every move.

i know i'm not all but "that mistake"- what "that person" thinks of me- "highschool me" even worse "college me" or even worse "i just found out my mom had cancer depressed me"- or even worse "i'm too scared to be anything else but excessively opinionated me"....

but if i'm not just simply who i am in my head, simply who i want to be in my head, simply the mistakes i've made, simply the sum of my part, simply Jesus, simply not Jesus, simply not simple at all!!

this is what i have come up with. with my labeled pop cultures music playing in the background (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nlcIKh6sBtc), my hipster crafted and glittered feathered room, surrounded by three apple products, "best of europe" book beside the classic literature of the woman wore white and the high school picture cluttered bulletin board and given everyone the ability to labeled me or something.....

i am a mess.
i am the truth i choose to believe or the lies i cling too.
i am the decisions i make moving forward.
and i am the goals i set for myself.

my identify is the one thing i can be selfish about. everyone is going to think something of me. and no matter what i'll be hated. haters gonna hate. and no matter i'll be loved. thanks momma.

so i with selfish in my mind in accordance with the bible be who i am.

i've decided in the last few weeks-days really-

that i'm done with planning my future. i'm not making anymore absolutes. i'm not setting crazy goals. i'm not being something. i'm giving up on opinions (unless it speaks up for the vulnerable). i'm not gonna be the girl who doesn't want kids. i'm not going to be the girl who also has to stick by her guns. the girl who through herself so hard into something good or bad.


i'm me.

and who i will turn into will be my goals.
WAIT HOLD THE PHONE YOU JUST SAID YOU WERENT PLANNING ANYMORE ? (smart cookie you)

i'm not. but i'm looking to those i want to be like.
the girl who once wanted to change the world by doing "THINGS" is changing to the woman who is going to change the world by "BEING LOVE".

i'm done with things, opinions and ideals.

i'm moving on to LOVE AND GRACE. anything that goes beside it. goes beside it.

so bring it.
the kids, staying at home, or being the prime minster, the being the wife with homemade jam, the fashionista or sweat pant wearing everyday bum, the rich or the poor, the i have a house or an apartment, the single, the married, the divorced, the strong and the weak, the churched and confused, the i'm healthy ... well most of the time, the dysfunction and desire to be healed- the all of it. bring it. cause i'm not focusing on it anymore.

i'll do my best in all i do.
but i'll become

through his grace- hopefully someday- like the strong women of God i admire

so wake me up

when i'm wiser
and i'm older

to a women who seeks God daily, who searches for ways to employ his glory- and pour out love- and doesn't judge but scatters graces....

free.

i'd be the first to admit that i've made a unsurpassable amount of mistakes involving many different aspects of life. some would be viewed by the world as greater and some would be lesser.

these mistakes in my humanness holds me captive.

i'd be the first to admit that  i've been overwhelmed lately. overwhelmed by my family, by situations, by yelling, by love, by life. all of this overwhelming has left me exhausted.

being overwhelmed in my humanness holds me captive.

i'd be the first to admit that i've hurt people. i've judged people. i haven't treated them like they should have been treated. not gone to love on them but rather ignored them. i have not been christ to them.

my imposing of hurt in my humanness holds me captive. if i'm honest the thought of it paralyses me.

i'd be the first to admit that i struggle with negativity. the ability or disabling ability to criticize everything around me.  taking over my gift of encouragement by my urges to be a realist.

my negativity in my humanness hold me captive.

the above mentioned plagued me for a few hours this evening. as i ventured out on a run i felt heavy and weighted. as i continued on using the pavement to be my punching bag for emotions i vividly felt the Lord say to me....

"you are free. you are not held back to what you were yesterday. you are free to be better. you are free to be different. you are free to change. your mistakes do not hold you back."

i couldn't help but spread my arms out. those driving past must have though i lost it a little bit.... but this time i was overwhelmed by something different. grace. so i stretched my arms out and raised them to praise him for something i do not deserve.

you see... grace is what sets me first. grace was what allowed the Lord to speak encouragement to me. HE IS GRACE. AND HE POURS IT OUT ON ME.

the world tells me i am my mistakes, i will never not be overwhelmed by this world, that healing can never come, and that i should become the next eyeore

by God he tells me that i am pure and forgiven- that I am more then an overcomer- that healing can come and his love can fill me- that his joy can fill me-....

that's grace.
that's freedom.
that's the God i serve.
and this is the truth i will cling too.
as i choose to be free.

"And she sings

World, I have overcome you
World, I have overcome you
World, I have overcome
By my song and the blood of a son"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GovD7dw1SAg

(close your eyes and take that song in)

here's a disgusting reality.

here's a disgusting reality.
reading your Bible is hard.



you are going to tell me that out of all the sin an depravity in the world that i choose to use the word disgusting in such a sentence. yes i do.

cause i have fallen. fallen prey to the busyness, the not caring and the i'd rather just turn my light off and go to bed. i've fallen and i've chosen to fall away for time with the Lord.

so why is that digesting?

for just that reason. that He is the Lord. and i say no.
see ya' later the one who created the earth by breath and words.
maybe another time the one who saved my soul from the damnation of hell.
we've had some good times and tonight might not be one of them... i'll just hold onto the promises i already know.
i'm just thinking that tomorrow i might get something out of it... i mean it's not like you are yearning to spend time with me.... humbling and loving.

okay, i do not know if it is really needed for me to go through all of that mostly because it's a stupid use of sarcasm. but the reality is we have the GREATEST of opportunities... i have the GREATEST of opportunities and i willing and knowingly through it away and than have the nerve to complain about so many aspects of my life and even about the fact that i lack encouragement.

here to the marking of a new journey. where i cut the crap and open it up. that i stop getting convicted sunday morning for the soul purpose of it being the once a week i opened my bible. it's to the encouraging times where i looked forward to snuggling down with Bible and journal. it's to the times of prayers that were powerful and that he answered. it's to now. to not making excuses and to not going through the motions. i raise my cup of tea to opening something far more profitable than the newflix tab to watch "how i met your mother" and to spending time with the one being that knows love and myself more than anyone, anything, any being. here is to losing myself and finding it again in the midst of him. 

goodnight loves. xo.

I choose....

After a day filled with grumpiness, judgement and frustration. After feeling incapable in myself and my personality I made up my mind to be me no matter what and to be the best version of myself I can be (with the help of the Lord).

And so this is who I choose to be:.

I choose to smile.
I choose to be quirky.
I choose to not call myself a loser.
I choose to be proud.
I choose to make others  smile.
I choose compassion, love and kindness.
I choose perfectionism.
I choose polka dotted pants.
I choose confidence.
I choose to embrace emotion.
I choose to accept correction but not criticism.
I choose to not be hindered by others.
I choose to be known for the things other can't fault.
I choose to believe in inward beauty.
I choose to befriend the outcast even if it is me.
I choose to have an opinion but only when needed.
I choose to hear advice and not judgment.
I choose friends over enemies.
I choose patience over frustration.
I choose a smile over a frown.
Far above:
I choose to emulate Christ over satan.
I choose to live for eternity instead of in the moment.
I choose weakness in strength over strength in pride.
I choose to pray over worry.
I choose love, chase and pursue Jesus Christ over anything else.

nothing left to give...

i hesitate to write this. 

on the soul purpose of being an emotional "blogger type". 

but i already had the blog. 

so i guess i was always half there. 

ever get to that point. 

nothing left to give. 

family 

direction

fears

thoughts

friends

volunteering

vision

GOD

church

social

school

hobbies

sleeping

all of it. 

when the things we thought brought us satisfaction become.... 

empty. 

okay 

okay okay

stop. 

you're sounding a little depressed there Kay. 

nope. it's not that. 

it's just. 

defeat. 

i just said to some one today. it's not something i've felt before. 

the continue of it anyways. 

it's the i don't know what to do to keep my head up. 

 but that's the thing. 

nothing. 

don't we want the answer. 

the moment. 

the AHHH! i've got it. 

don't we want the motivational saying. 

the emotional eating and shopping trips. 

the run my heart out. 

the friendship and gossip. 

whatever it may be. 

the journalling. 

the tea. 

the bible. 

the Jesus. 

to snap their magical fingers. 

to step in. 

and say. 

come here. 

it's all going to be okay. 

and don't get me wrong. 

that happen. 

i can't count high enough to remember those moments. 

me and Jesus. 

have shared together. 

the countless. 

step into my arms. 

cry. 

i'm here. 

but... 

we're promised. 

drought. 

dry. 

hard. 

blah. 

so i write this to say. 

we've been there. 

all of us. 

i'm there. 

what's next. 

no idea. 

what's your vision. 

no idea. 

what's motivating you. 

no idea. 

what's the good in this week. 

no idea. 

(sure, judge me. tell me what i know. tell me that i'll soar on wings like eagles, the kids in africa are starving, that i have a bed to sleep on friends to call up.. i know. i'm not discounting my blessing, my job, my food or my God.) 

well Kay, this is not encouraging. 

here's the thing. 

it's not. 

i feel blah. 

i feel like i have no idea of much. 

but so I will continue on. 

WHY

cause there is one thing that i will and can cling to. 

that I am loved. 

that he knows how I feel. 

that he gets it. 

that in THIS TIME he interceded on my behalf. 

that he knows I am human. 

that this feeling isn't sinful  (yep... how I act on it sure can be)

that great men of old felt this way (have you read the ps. before)

that they got through. 

i just don't get why we prepared everything is great. 

all the time. 

we all have poop times. (yes poetic right!) 

WHY

because once you've experience 

JESUS CHIRST

in the reailties of who he is

no matter

of anything

anywhere

any time

there is no denying he is real, love, strength, power, majestic, justice, good, faithful. 

MY GOD. 

and he is inside of me. 

and he is what will overcome. 

so go forward. 

maybe not running (though one day you will)

go forth (though it may not be far)

shine for him (though it might not be blinding)

dwell in him (for that is all you can do)

and know. 

he is in you. 

he loves you. 

and all he needs is one step at a time. 

for once you know him. 

there is no going back. 

onward. 

he is working in more way than you know. 

this state of vulnerability. 

he will use it. 

this despair. 

he is in it. 

WATCH OUT. 

for in OUR weakness. HE is made strong. 

WATCH OUT satan. i may feel defeated but you are about to be DEFEATED. 

thanks for listening world. 

love, kay. 

I am shocked by the sheer lack of freedom that we claim and the appearance that through our claimed freedom  as christian how phony we become.

I am free. In him. I will serve him holding nothing back. I will surrender everything. I will be victorious.

Yet in it all.... and despite it all we say this;

I am free but feel condemned by the addictions of my flesh. In him... I am free but I haven't been in him on a daily and faithfully aching way. I will serve him holding nothing back but I just don't want to move there and I just don't want to work there and I feel like I would, could, maybe do more work for you over here. I will be victorious but it would be really nice if I could be victorious in the way of ya' know feel happy, have a nice happy marriage and live in a house with a Pickett fence.

I'm not saying having someone of those things are wrong, I'm not saying all of you say all of those things... well maybe I am.

Cause we are only fooling yourself to think we have not been in one of those places at one point in our lives. I can say it will certainty for the great men of old had the same thoughts and the same struggles.

Job 25

"Then Bildad the Shuhite answered and said: Dominion and fear are with God, he makes pece in his high heaven. Is there any number to his armies? Upon whom does his light not arise? How than can man be in the right before God? How can he who is born of woman be pure? Behold even the moon is not bright, and the starts are not pure in his eyes; how much less man, who is a maggot and the son of man, who is a worm!"

Feel discourage? Feel like you messed up? Feel unpure?

You are. You have. You have reason to be.

BECAUSE this faith you claim. These words you speak of victory and trust. The life you life that should be drastically different than anything this world has seen.

DOES NOT come from anything of you. How can who is born of woman be pure? You're not. You're sinful.

How can who is born of God be pure? Through blood on a cross. Through faith and forgiveness. A forgiveness that is over and over again.

When you find that victorious and place of true surrender in him. CLING TO IT. For few find it. And fewer maintain it.

learning whirlwinds.

What’s on my feet? Grey flats. Nothing make you feel as great as a pair of shoes that are just so cute.

What’s on my plate? A parfait. “Everybody loves a parfait!” –Donkey

What’s on the agenda? Starfield concert. Yes, please.

What’s on my mind? Okay, grab some tea. And snuggle down for a moment. We have some things to chat about.

Even though my mind has been a swirling maze of thoughts and lessons that the Lord is graciously, quietly, and over and over and over again teaching me I’m going to pick two of those to share. I’m also going to take a risk. Some of more personal than I usually speak about. So be kind with my heart.

1. Sabbath; (I’ve got to ease into the personal  ... so I’ll start with something more light hearted and general.) I’ve started reading a particular devotion book. It begins by speaking about the Sabbath. This day that God created. It seemed as though it was a funny place to start. Why the Sabbath? A topic that we (who’ve grown up in or around the church) have heard about and have heard the importance about time and time again. It is something I could have spit up the answer to if you asked my “What is it?” or “Why is it?” I’ve never dwelled on it personal connection to me. As we know, God is a personal God and I’m not sure he does things very often that aren’t personally suppose to impact us in some way. So, how does this day that rings the words of a foreign concept named “rest” impact me? The 22 yr old woman who has a hard enough time maintaining quietness for an evening at home more or less being restful for a entire day. It impacts me because it was made me for me. See that’s the crazy thing about God. God maintains a role as our heavenly father and that means that he looks out for our needs. And what’s even more crazy is that him, being God, in all glory, and heavenly greatness, being far above us and being far superior to us in every way spend the time to account for not only our spiritual needs by physical. He made a day for us. He made something for us. God made something for me.

Okay, you do realize he died on the cross for you right? That is much more pain staking than making a day of rest. Sabbath is actually a lot more peaceful and easy for the both parties.

Yeah, I got that. But here’s the thing. And work with me here. Let’s say I’m dating someone. He loves me. He asks me to marry him. We have a wedding. The most beautiful of weddings filled with every dream I’ve ever dreamt about lovely little things with white table clothes, candles everywhere, roses adoring everything and the perfect amounts starts in the night sky. It the best day ever right? It’s the start of something?

Okay, so after that day. After the honeymoon, after the glam and the glitter and after 10 maybe 15 and hopefully so many more years of marriage what matters? The flowers that are brought home at random, it is the surprise starbucks in the morning, it’s the I planned a fun day trip for you just because you had a hard week, it is the continually reassurance of “I love you’s”. It’s not just the saying of I love you to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond and forever and ever but than showing that.  The display is in fact displayed on the wedding day... it is the “Hey world! We love each other!” but if it is not done after that it means nothing. It is the realization that he knows you well enough, spends enough time and cares enough to realize what you need, when you need it and why you need it. That you a worthy of time and consideration.

Don’t get me wrong I’m not undermining at all what was done on the cross. That expression of love was the greatest and more powerful; it is the most breath taking and encompasses more passion, forgiveness, and irreplaceable actions of love that I can wrap my head around. It’s the wedding. The huge. The public display. It’s the bang. The start of it all.

The Sabbath… is the what come after.

Your still not buying it yet are you. I wonder if God looked at us and thought. My love is so intense but it is also simple and in it’s simplicity it is beautiful. Here is a gift for them. It’s called the Sabbath.

You see this day was not created for him with rules and regulations. It was made for us. It even says it in Mark 2:27. Here’s your day. To rest. To look at me. To dwell on me. To gaze upon me love. To realize I am your creator. To be thankful for my plan of redemption. Here is my gift of a day to know me more. A day to rest in me. To be refilled with my goodness, and grace. I know you well enough to know that in this crazy world, filled with up and downs that you are going to forget that that day. The big day of a public display of love and you are going to forget the impact it had on your life and because of that you are going to get worn down, bogged day. Here’s a day to remember it. Here’s a day to remember me. Here you go daughter. I’m taking care of you on this one.

2. Transition; Wow that took a lot longer to get out than I thought it would. So I’ll try to make this point short and sweet. This stage of life kind of sucks. There that’s it. I’ve summed it. I guess when I stage I’m talking like 22-30ish. Maybe. I don’t know I haven’t gotten that far yet. Everything is in transition. You finish school and you feel as though you are going to change the world. You get a job. You don’t feel like your changing the world. It’s a end to a mean but you start to realize that your not sure what that end is anymore. You would like to be married but ya’ know you don’t have a huge amount of control over it. And that’s okay. You have great friends but they are in transition to and a lot of them have moved away. Or they’ve gotten married but that means you don’t see them as much. And both those things are great but they are just different. And provide you with more transitions. Transition of life, of love, of God of so many things. So you keep praying, and moving forward. I feel as though it could be acknowledged a little bit more. This is me saying .. Here it is. This stage of life. It’s confusing. But how do you get through it? I’ll let you know when I do. But for now this is what I know.

God is good.

Great.

Awesome.

And sovereign.

He is ever so in love with me and me with him.

He has a plan. He will guide and lead if I allow it. He is my best friend and my comforter. He provides.

Transition or no transition he is the same God he has always been and will always be. So I cling to that. Because as I get more confused His clarity never falters. Praise him for that.

The other thing is this; a quote I found.

“Some times while your following your dreams you find another, different, better dream to follow.” (Or something like that)

Isn’t that great? How true? It’s okay for my dreams to change. They have. I don’t want to be the nurse like Florence Nightingale anymore and I certainly don’t think my career as Pocahontas will work out like I hoped it would when I

was 8 yrs old.

But I think the most important part is to never stop dreaming, never stop believing that you can change the world. Just remember that just as important as the dreams are the people who are there when the dreams come true. Don’t lose sight of that either.

So off I go to sink into my day dream of changing the world, making a difference, falling in love, and having it all. Maybe someday I will realize that I can’t have it all.

But for now I choose the bliss of believing that this independent and stubborn woman, with the help of a amazing God (who I’m sure will take this words and teach me something crazy or completely opposite to what I am saying) can do something great (because He has called us all to greatness) and can do it while making a mess of it, trying to be healthy but eating to much ice cream, laughing till my belly aches, and failing madly in love (And just so you know it doesn’t make you less of a person to want that love part.. it merely makes you human).

Some may laugh. Call me young naïve. Maybe one day I’ll look back and think I was. I pray that never happens.

Enjoy today. And fall into a wonderful dream… than take that dream a make it happen or at least believe it can. 

.

People are worth it.

What I am listening too... Keep your Eyes open- The Reckoning- NEEDTOBREATHE

What I am drinking.... Healthy water :) Trying to clear up the skin on the face.

What am I reading... Marie Claire. A fun mag that not to trashy, has beauty, fashion and even world issues. This month has Reese in it. A personal favorite actress of mine.

And finally.. What's on my mind: Unfortunately this one won't be over and done with in a one sentence answer like the rest. I got a call today from the local mental health association. I have a volunteer interview for a position on there crisis distress line. Whoa. What an opportunity. It be able to hear individuals thoughts, hurts, cry's, pain, worries.

It make me think. About mental health. About how I deal with it. About how the church deals with it. About it all.

Which in turns leads me to think about the "Other side of the desk."

It's a poem on of my co-workers gave me. It hits home. It takes away judgement. It take us out of our self and begin to help us realize that this "we are better" attitude is nothing less than ignorance.

The Other Side of the Desk

Have you ever through just a wee little bit

Of how it would seem to be a "misfit"

And how you would feel if you had to sit

On the other side of the desk?

Have you looked at the kid who "seemed a bum"?

As he sat before you nervous.. dumb..

And thought of the courage it took to come

To the other side of the desk?

Have you thought to yourself: "It could be I"

If the good things in life had passed me by.

And maybe I'd bluster and maybe I'd lie

To the other side of the desk

Did you make him feel he was full of greed,

Make him ashamed of his race or creed;

Or did you reach out to him in his need

To the other side of the desk?

May we all have widsom, and lots of it,

And much compassion and plenty of grit,

So we may be kinder to those who sit

On the other side of the desk.

There are no words that I can add to that. Just think about it dwell on it. One car accident, one tramatic event, one lose of job, support system that fall through, a death, a pain or an ache, one sports accident gone wrong, one dumb decison that you can't take back and you will end up on the other side of the desk, on the other side of the phone, on the other side of everything.

So be thankful, know your blessed and understand that in a moment it can all be gone. Have understanding. Stop to look around you. See who needs extra help. Take the time to give it to them. Give take the time to just understand mental illness and other types as welll. Take the time to treasure and give extra attention to family in hard time. Just take the time.... People are worth it. And I would hope if it was me.. Someone would take the extra time to help me through it, to have coffee with me, to listen to me, and be a simple, yet, loyal friend.

radio.

Today for the first time I enjoyed the movie Radio.


powerful.

inspire.

interesting.

Why?

On so many levels. I love to hear people comments throughout the movie. I love to feel my own reactions. To watch the movie and be intrigued by a behavioral classed as so strange. But the most unique, precious, and beautiful part of the movie is the simple love shown. From all sign. Form the football coach to Radio and back from Radio to the football coach.


Simple love that is outrageous and life changing.

Simple love knows no bounds.


It is not hinder by how "cool" we think we will look. It is not hinder by how much time we have. It is not hinder by the amount of love that we have inside of us. Because it's not us. It can't be us. It must be God.

We love because He first loved us. We can only begin to love because of His love.

And you see, we see "these people" as we call them.. allude to them.. and define them.. as our outreach, our project someone who needs a friend.

We look at them as someone who needs to be supported, someone who needs love, someone who is weak and needs our strength to build them up.

To all of this I scream it is false.

We are the ones who are defined by society, who are scared to love without limits and without speculation, we are the ones who need a friend. We are those we are to stubborn to let people support us and we have never needed to show the strength other show each day.

I've never seen such strength steam from individuals who are verbally and emotionally beaten by the world around them. I've never seen such a victory over the tricks and emotions mental illness play in the mind of individuals ever day. I've never seen such passionate thinkers and feelers than those are placed into the world of developmental disabilities.

There is something beautiful how smiles. And that when they smile they are real, heartfelt, and genuine. That there smiles can reflect rooted in the depth of there soul. 

There is something beautiful about how they feel. Up or down. They feel it. And they feel it hard.


There is something beautiful about how they love. The love without limits.

There is something beautiful about there strength. Continually being mocked by the world and than picking themselves back up.

This is not to discount challenges and at times appropriate ways of acting. This is not to say that together we can work together to control emotions, tendencies and behavior. But to break and bend "normal" a little bit, to live with understand and grace, and to bestow simple love.


It's about time we stop asking them to take lessons from us and we start taking some from them. And let the first lesson be.. that there is no "us" and "them" but all together in one singular word humans.

God loves justice. Do we? Because love implies action.

If there is one thing that the Lord has been teaching it is reveiling his heart to me as his cries for the socail injustices to be ripped apart, challenged, and restored into social justices and equality.

Today a man came to speak at our church for the Internation Justice Mission.

http://www.ijm.org/whoweare (Here's a link to there website.)

The whole time I wanted to jump and and say "Yes! This is the part of christainity that we forget regulary but what we are called too!

Justice.

Read through Isaiah, James, Amos..and so many others. It magnifies God's heart for the oppresed and for the "lesser off".

Injustices are brutal and violent.

We know God is love. Not just that he loves. But he IS love. Everything. All of him. All that he elludes is love. We can say John 3:16 backwards, forwards, and in gibberish. But do we realize the implications of that emmense Love? The implications of the story of how God came to earth? To die? To make a path for our bondage? To die for our bondage? To undo a social justice. Isn't that the story of salavation? Curing (If we allow him, and accept his forgiveness and continue to act on it) the salvary we are by default in to the most evil one. He can, in love, to rip that to pieces. He can for freedom.

Than continue reading to see his heart for the oppressed not just bringing us to salvation but to bind up the broken hearted, to feed the hungry, to break bondage.. to be WORLD CHANGERS AND SHAKERS! Because for some reason (simply: he is love, and he loved as only because he loved us) he longs for US to come to him and escape the power and control of evil.And he wants us to play a part in bringing others to Christ and to remove the hand of that power and control of evil.

Look at Isaiah 61:8. God loves JUSTICE.

Proverbs 17:15. He longs for it.

Doesn't God say let me will be done on earth just as it is in heaven? Doesn't that not imply that we must seek justice in this world?

I have heard some christians says that the gospel is not about social justice or humanitaries. I say shouldn't they go hand in hand. They have too. How else is the plan of God perfect and without fault?

In each miracle he not only heals but provides salvation. It never said.."Here come to know my father. Wow! Doesn't it suck that your a still blind?"

And if we encompass Christ we will long to provide for those who are classed as "underprivleged" by society.

Because LOVES longs to break barriers.

To heal hearts. 

To put your live on the line for others.

And this is a love that does not ask who is deserving of it.  I know I am undesearving of Christs love.

We cannot snuff social actions and social injustice off as just "good things" that good people do. They are not good things they are things, imporant things, that lead to transformation of culture, sharing of love, and letting the truth be known above evil.

This is what Christianity is. Action.

So what do we do with that? Social justice. All become little Mother Theresa and head to India?

Although some of us might it is not the calling placed on all of our lives. No matter what your geographical location  there are powerful things that YOU can and need to be doing.

I urge you to let socail justice take a more activie role in your live and to keep me accountable in keeping it important in mine.

1. Explore truth. The truth about who Christ is. About how it affects his people whom he loves and begins to take steps in making that truth know and demostrated.

2. Over rule the power that is displayed in social injustices. As christians our most imporant and powerful tool is prayer. Make sure it happens. For as Leonard Ravenhill said.. a mans spritual live is only as big as how much time he spends on his knees.

3. Educate your self. On what is happening in this world. Here in Canada, North America, the World. We are to be globaled minded. We are one. And we need to look out and love our neighbours as our selves. Those neighbours next door or maybe those neighbours across the oceans and valleys.

Here are some organization making a different: Comment with some more :)

http://www.twloha.com/

http://love146.org/

http://www.compassion.ca/

http://www.ratanak.org/

And there are so many more!!!

How about renting  a documentary this friday evening instead of seeing the next big blockbuster?

Because I can guarantee you that once you being to understand the horrific happens of this world you heart will be turned and it will long for change.

4. Stick up for people.  was gently reminded today during the sermons. That is what Christains do. It could be at the gym, school, or not laughing at a racist or hurtful joke. It could be the effort to avoid words like "gay" or "retarded" because they put down and hurt individuals labeling them as dumb, stupid, or not worthwhile. Stick up for people.That is what we do.

5. Or maybe it's not sticking up for people... maybe it's making a new friend too. That person who socialy who doesn't fit in. At church. Where ever. Socail injustices don't just have to be those in slavary or be little children in africa. In Canada alone there are more sucides than homicides. What does that say? Would there be if we were truly friends who loved? More suicides... That is an injustice!! That is a painful, hurtful, horrific injustice. Change it. Make a new friend. Be a good friend. Keep that good friend and let them know they are loved. It may not be looked at as so noble. Heck, you may even be labeled as "something" for going and taking with someone who may not be so "cool". Cool! Really! Give it up.. Lives are not worth being cool.

6. Remember the vaule of one. If it is one donation to an organization, one compassion child being donated to, or one time that you can educate yourself so that you can educate others. Big or small remember that impacting one is enough.

"If I look at the mass, I will never act. If I look at one I will." - Mother Thersea

7. Don't forget about prayer. Make it happen. Right it down. Post it somewhere. It is the most imporant. And yes I put it on my lisit twice because THAT is how important it is.

For the indivdivual. 

For change.

For the people making change.

8. Be encouraged by the FINAL justice when all comes to an end. He will restore justice on earth (Rev. 19:11-16) but untill than let us be actively showing God's love that will evitably become  bringing  His heaven to earth and letting His will be down here and as we depise and change barriers of evils or social injustice to social justices we will show and greater love than every imagined.

Will this is kinda sorta and summary of what was said in church this morning with my own twists and personal learning. Social Justice? What do you think? What are you doing about it? How does it affect your live?

Or maybe God is teaching you something TOTALY different.

Either way. I woud love it hear it.

Thank-you for putting up for my whirl winded thoughts. :)

Because this combination is worthy of a post...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wuu_E-fS-ys&feature=relmfu

rapid reinstatement

As inspired by my older sister and few a series recent events.. I've decide that it is not time to bring back this old blog of mine... This time not only filled with thoughts and the working of what God continually and faithfully does in my life but also we some creative ideas, noteworthy fashions, and other fun things. It will actually be a tool in the "100 Challenge" and my blog with be populated with many "Outfits of the day.." all different mind you.. And as you guess for 100 days. Sadly, I am sure I have enough close to make even more than that.

So here's to a rapid reinstatement of blogging, thoughts, and for today.. a funny website.

http://sweetenothings.wordpress.com

Able

We need to stop using the world diabled. We need to start using the world able.

Because we are able to make a difference in People's lives.


We need to spread this message all over the world so everybody can agree to it.

We will keep on spreading this message like lighting and thunder.

And let it echo through the streets.

Becase have a fire, a fire in out hearts that is deep and passionate about being able!

-Germia Harvey, 2009

rise up oh, men of God.

it's no wonder that women has started to cling to themselves.
they have become hard. i will not say stronger because women have a unique strength.
they have become more independent, closed off, and resisting trust of any man.
they have started to be seen as victims, weak, and merely a object to be tossed around.
no wonder there is a commitment of feminist in north America.
i am woman hear me roar.

as for men they have started to become less of leaders and more of passive bystanders. or when they are active many are in the wrong ways.
i understand that this sounds hard.
and i for one hate generalizations.

but today i sat in a room with many women who are aged and experienced.
who have strength beyond belief.
they have cried more painful tears than i have. and they have had their hearts broken in ways i can't imagine.
you see there husband had or do still beat them.

they held money form them.
they manipulated them emotionally.
they took out whatever kind or twisted power, desire for manipulation, and whatever distorted image of what a relationships should look like into there fist.

my heart breaks as i have recently heard a story about someone so dear to me and how she was abused.

i get angry.
frustrated.
mad.

this has happened for years.
we think it has gotten better.
we think sexism is gone.
even in the work place the average male will make two or three times more than female doing the exact same job.
we think we have equal roles and equal societal image.
in north America we must.
in Canada we must.
yet a man is considered a hero among his buddies when he sleeps around while a woman is a whore.

therefore the society of broken women, survivors of things i can't imagine .. maybe one or two.. got to enough strength to say .. i can't take this anymore.
and a revelation started called feminism. which has become more extreme.
many women may not even realize they portray the characteristics. but refuse to be anything
but
independent.

it is no wonder that women has started trying to control relationships.
that in so many t.v shows today there are women who pretend relationships do not arouse strong emotions of attachment and commitment or that a man is incapable of breaking there ever protected heart...

it is no wonder the so called chilvery has become dead not only because of men but because of women proclaiming they want nothing to do with it.
"what you don't think i am good enough to open my own door! i am strong don't you know"

there are so many broken relationships.
i am not blaming the women or the men.
i just know that this battle of the sexes is not close to ending.

i also know that i see these woman who are trapped.
they are emotionally vulnerable.
and beyond the strength of just leaving. the legal, the children, the custody, the money, the legistics of it all are overwhelming.
a seems more than impossible.
and that is when begin hit seems reasonable.

i have just begun to see the broken hearts of the world.
and i am ensured that i will see more of them.
not just because of the profession i have chosen but because of the broken world we live in is full of individuals who stories sometimes can only be told by tears.

so i say this.
rise up oh men of God.
please be the men who cherish, love and adore your women in your life.
be strong for you wives, daughters, sisters and friends.
again, i am not blaming men as a whole for all of the broken relationships and abuse.
but i saw tears in the eyes of women who's lives where nearly ruined by men.

pray for them because behind all the hard,independent face is an aching heart.
never think that this gentle, loving heart that has seem to be labeled as lacking masculinity has gone out of style.

be the one that proves everything i have said wrong. not only with abuse.
but will the sheer treasuring of a fragile heart.

stick around long enough to realize there terror of commitment because of fathers who walked out. because of fathers who never i said i love you.. or your beautiful.
and then be the man or father who says it.

older men please teach younger men to lead. and to love. to pray and walk in such away that we will follow.

and in this world with all of these broken relationships.
hurt.
pain.
and broken hearts.
can we as the church show something that can only be a reflection of the beautiful love of our savior.
i am HIS bride.
and that relationships is beautiful.
let's depict that same beauty in our earthy marriages and relationships.

as a church. let's believe in the beauty of love again.

this is jumble mess of emotion thoughts from my day. they don't make sense. and you may not even be able to figure out what it has to do with abuse, gender roles, and emotional pain.
but i felt us though i need to say something.
so this is the out pouring of my heart for the day.

Let's put the seniors in Jail...

*** I did not write this and I am not sure who did. But it will make the wheels in your head turn. And help you to begin to think about so many of the social stuctures that need to be changed.***

Let's put the seniors in jail, and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies, and walks, they'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc. and they'd receive money instead of paying it out. 

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance. Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes, and bring their meals and snacks to their cell. They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling, pool and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, P.J.'s, and legal aid would be free on request. Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens. Each senior could have a P.C., a T.V., radio, and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct, that would be strictly adhered to.

The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all alone, and unsupervised, lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week, live in a tiny room, pay $4,000.00 per month and have no hope of ever getting out. Justice for all.


This should make us think of what kind of world we created for ourselves.

bring it on 2011 .

we could sit here and talk about last year over a couple of coffee in starbucks with little room to sit and while failig at trying to keep warm as people come in and out in and out.
i would rather just plow forward.
last year had it's up and down's and that is to be acknowledge. in fact i would be lying if i didn't say that i journaled about my regrets from this past year.
but only to say how can be better this year.
so don' get caught up on what you did or didn't do.
how you fell in love or how you got your heart broken.
how you gained 5lbs. or how you spend most of your evening watch re-runs of the office.
how you fought with your family, friends, co-workers.
things happen.
in my short years i know this.
don't get caught up but move foward.
here i come 2011. with gun blazing.
clearly from my tone, i bet you can already guess that i am a new resolution making junkie.
i love them.
but i stick to them. i continually set goals for myself. for me that's how i accomplish things.
here ya' go:
-Start a bible reading plan. Because really nothing else matter. Get your facts straight. Know Jesus. Read his word. And follow his directions.
-Read a chapter of any book, every week. Because in school I don't have time to read more than that but there are alot of amazing people out there with amazing things to learn. And the leaders of yesterday or those who didn't mess around and grew their minds.
-Get into shape. Oh, hello typical. But for real. I am going to Europe in may. Back packing my friend. So I need to be in shape. More than that I want to run a half-marathon. And further more it develops further discipline back to my running shoes I go.
-Read a blog each month. Oh, great. Yes there will be more. It is not something that I think that I a especially good out. It is something to develop. I guess it is a form of therepy for me. Write it out. It seems more real.
-Maintain an 85%. Make the deans lisit. Get into university. Do it.
-Do one Random Act of Kindness a week. Why does it have to only be a day of the year? I think of myself way more that I think of others. Time to change that .
-Make more time for arts and crafts. Time to express. This year I will create

Cheers.

trust.

It has been a fantastic weekend. it has been filled with fun, laughter, and learning about my wonderful saviour.
I've also done a lot of thinking this weekend as I cleaned and organized my room.
Thinking about this thing called trust. To be honey I guess it would have more started with this idea of submission.
You know the inevitable discussion about male and female roles in a biblical context. I struggle with this idea. The idea of submitting. The idea that I will not be the leader and head of my home. That is not to say that I do not realize or grasp the importance of it.
Yet, I do not understand it. I struggle to understand the why of it and if I was being perfectly honest I would have to say the idea scared me into a feeling of not in control of the situation that I may face.
That may make sense to you that make make no sense. Some of you strive and long to be a woman under the leadership of her husband cook, cleaning and mothering. That is wonderful and beautiful.
I've always wished that was a more significant part of my dreams
They are. And some day they will be. But for now they are just there... in the back of my
Back to trust.
Back to being scared.
I've realized that maybe it's not so much the discussion of submitting but more a discussion about trust. Me trusting and placing so much into a hands of someone who will look out for my best interest.
Maybe I'm not prepared to give some one that trust.
We focus so much on the act itself and not the driving power behind that source. Trust.
Do I trust him? To protect, care and lead.
Trust is scary especially when you see the lives of individual fall apart with there marriage.
When you see men stepping out of their families lives and women a like.
Why would I submit to something when .... that could only cause more pain.
I am a capable young women. And I can do it.
But I can't.
I can't do it without God. I can't do it without relationships. I can't do it without so many things.. I am not strong enough.
And maybe I am still looking it at it the wrong way because it is trusting God to bring a man of HIM into my life that I can trust.
I am processing as I write this so it is fresh from my mind,uncensored and I am sure slightly confusing and rambling.
Trust God first.
Know yourself first.
Fall in love after.
Trusting him will be so much easier..

And than the submitting that I as a woman am called to do will follow. I trust God to cultivate that in my life so that I can force it to follow.

I am woman hear my roar.

Roar: love, grace, strength, forgiveness, laughter, joy, prayer, peace, and the fruits of what He has called us to be.