it just ends.

dear messy brain,
i sincerely wish i could make more sense of you these days.
moments are passing quickly. some of them are painful. they involve me watching other aching, weep, and sob. i'm not okay with it.
these moments make me scared for my own moments and have caused me to wonder if i really have the strength to go through what so many other have.
death.
cancer.
accidents.
love and the fear of the absence of it.
in the form of a mother, lover, sister or cousin. a friend who is more connected then blood could make it.
to love at all is to be vulnerable.
with no surprises c.s lewis says something genius.
the stab my tendency of beating around the bush and not talking about the real issue at hand i'm just going to lay it out flat.
my best friends cousin died this week.
sounds random and obscure. but never the less extremely affecting.
it selfishly made me reflect on my own situation.
and i've selfishly cried for those alive in my life.
my mom has cancer.
she's had it for a long time.
it's been a battle.
a run with it. and everyday i'm scared, terrified that she won't be strong then it.
i watched this beautiful family immediately come together, to hold hands, cry, grief, weep, laugh and cherish.
i watched as they just let there hearts break with no immediate hope of how to put it back together.
i watched there grace to feel, to love, and just be.
and again i selfishly reflected on me.

how do they have that strength?
how can they be okay with loving again?
how can they feel all of this a put on foot in front of the other?
how did they not shut down?
how did they not push away?
how are their hearts still open?
how are they that beautiful in the midst of it........


i don't know if i could do it.
i don't think i could.
i'm terrified that in that moment i'll push everyone away.
i'll build a cave to protect the growing wound.


and then there is the thought of-
it just being the start
there is already so much hurt
so much pain
so much love that has been broken
the husbands that will die
the children who will suffer
the women that will be ill
the fatherless, the widows, the divorced, the  beatened, the bullied...... i could continue.

i realize this is depressing.
that it just puts negativity into your brain.
that we don't want to hurt.
i get it.
i want to think that i'll have the happy ever after.
that i'll have someone to have the happy ever after with.

that they aren't going to be perfect. but that they will bring joy and that they will be guaranteed.

i want to be able to say with confidence that my mom will be there for the birth of my first child.

but we can't.

i wish i was strong enough or something to say..... and to say continually it is well with my soul
and in uncertainty i cling to the hope of a saviour
and he is the ONE thing

and i believe all the truly
truly

but it doesn't stop the hurt
yes, it reminds me of how much hurt HE suffers as we suffer

but. it doesn't stop the hurt.

there is no pretty ending of learning with this.
it just ends.
and that's is that.

wake me up when i'm wiser and i'm older...

hey. we've all been there. the stupid decision.

you know. that one where you can pin point the moment in time when you should have turned back. we're talking more then the mushroom cut when you were 12 years old and more then that amazing yet horrific white pleather studded vest (okay so i made that decision pretty recently).

the mistake that kinda sticks with you. that maybe someday-but not right now- you'll be able to shake.

it's almost haunting. as if it defines.

in fact this defining things has really become a major mental point in my daily live.

WHO AM I!?

Freud told me that i should have gone through this whole conflict along time ago and christianity has told me simply that my identify is in christ (i'm not saying that floppily it's very true.)

yet- here am i questioning my every move.

i know i'm not all but "that mistake"- what "that person" thinks of me- "highschool me" even worse "college me" or even worse "i just found out my mom had cancer depressed me"- or even worse "i'm too scared to be anything else but excessively opinionated me"....

but if i'm not just simply who i am in my head, simply who i want to be in my head, simply the mistakes i've made, simply the sum of my part, simply Jesus, simply not Jesus, simply not simple at all!!

this is what i have come up with. with my labeled pop cultures music playing in the background (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nlcIKh6sBtc), my hipster crafted and glittered feathered room, surrounded by three apple products, "best of europe" book beside the classic literature of the woman wore white and the high school picture cluttered bulletin board and given everyone the ability to labeled me or something.....

i am a mess.
i am the truth i choose to believe or the lies i cling too.
i am the decisions i make moving forward.
and i am the goals i set for myself.

my identify is the one thing i can be selfish about. everyone is going to think something of me. and no matter what i'll be hated. haters gonna hate. and no matter i'll be loved. thanks momma.

so i with selfish in my mind in accordance with the bible be who i am.

i've decided in the last few weeks-days really-

that i'm done with planning my future. i'm not making anymore absolutes. i'm not setting crazy goals. i'm not being something. i'm giving up on opinions (unless it speaks up for the vulnerable). i'm not gonna be the girl who doesn't want kids. i'm not going to be the girl who also has to stick by her guns. the girl who through herself so hard into something good or bad.


i'm me.

and who i will turn into will be my goals.
WAIT HOLD THE PHONE YOU JUST SAID YOU WERENT PLANNING ANYMORE ? (smart cookie you)

i'm not. but i'm looking to those i want to be like.
the girl who once wanted to change the world by doing "THINGS" is changing to the woman who is going to change the world by "BEING LOVE".

i'm done with things, opinions and ideals.

i'm moving on to LOVE AND GRACE. anything that goes beside it. goes beside it.

so bring it.
the kids, staying at home, or being the prime minster, the being the wife with homemade jam, the fashionista or sweat pant wearing everyday bum, the rich or the poor, the i have a house or an apartment, the single, the married, the divorced, the strong and the weak, the churched and confused, the i'm healthy ... well most of the time, the dysfunction and desire to be healed- the all of it. bring it. cause i'm not focusing on it anymore.

i'll do my best in all i do.
but i'll become

through his grace- hopefully someday- like the strong women of God i admire

so wake me up

when i'm wiser
and i'm older

to a women who seeks God daily, who searches for ways to employ his glory- and pour out love- and doesn't judge but scatters graces....

free.

i'd be the first to admit that i've made a unsurpassable amount of mistakes involving many different aspects of life. some would be viewed by the world as greater and some would be lesser.

these mistakes in my humanness holds me captive.

i'd be the first to admit that  i've been overwhelmed lately. overwhelmed by my family, by situations, by yelling, by love, by life. all of this overwhelming has left me exhausted.

being overwhelmed in my humanness holds me captive.

i'd be the first to admit that i've hurt people. i've judged people. i haven't treated them like they should have been treated. not gone to love on them but rather ignored them. i have not been christ to them.

my imposing of hurt in my humanness holds me captive. if i'm honest the thought of it paralyses me.

i'd be the first to admit that i struggle with negativity. the ability or disabling ability to criticize everything around me.  taking over my gift of encouragement by my urges to be a realist.

my negativity in my humanness hold me captive.

the above mentioned plagued me for a few hours this evening. as i ventured out on a run i felt heavy and weighted. as i continued on using the pavement to be my punching bag for emotions i vividly felt the Lord say to me....

"you are free. you are not held back to what you were yesterday. you are free to be better. you are free to be different. you are free to change. your mistakes do not hold you back."

i couldn't help but spread my arms out. those driving past must have though i lost it a little bit.... but this time i was overwhelmed by something different. grace. so i stretched my arms out and raised them to praise him for something i do not deserve.

you see... grace is what sets me first. grace was what allowed the Lord to speak encouragement to me. HE IS GRACE. AND HE POURS IT OUT ON ME.

the world tells me i am my mistakes, i will never not be overwhelmed by this world, that healing can never come, and that i should become the next eyeore

by God he tells me that i am pure and forgiven- that I am more then an overcomer- that healing can come and his love can fill me- that his joy can fill me-....

that's grace.
that's freedom.
that's the God i serve.
and this is the truth i will cling too.
as i choose to be free.

"And she sings

World, I have overcome you
World, I have overcome you
World, I have overcome
By my song and the blood of a son"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GovD7dw1SAg

(close your eyes and take that song in)

here's a disgusting reality.

here's a disgusting reality.
reading your Bible is hard.



you are going to tell me that out of all the sin an depravity in the world that i choose to use the word disgusting in such a sentence. yes i do.

cause i have fallen. fallen prey to the busyness, the not caring and the i'd rather just turn my light off and go to bed. i've fallen and i've chosen to fall away for time with the Lord.

so why is that digesting?

for just that reason. that He is the Lord. and i say no.
see ya' later the one who created the earth by breath and words.
maybe another time the one who saved my soul from the damnation of hell.
we've had some good times and tonight might not be one of them... i'll just hold onto the promises i already know.
i'm just thinking that tomorrow i might get something out of it... i mean it's not like you are yearning to spend time with me.... humbling and loving.

okay, i do not know if it is really needed for me to go through all of that mostly because it's a stupid use of sarcasm. but the reality is we have the GREATEST of opportunities... i have the GREATEST of opportunities and i willing and knowingly through it away and than have the nerve to complain about so many aspects of my life and even about the fact that i lack encouragement.

here to the marking of a new journey. where i cut the crap and open it up. that i stop getting convicted sunday morning for the soul purpose of it being the once a week i opened my bible. it's to the encouraging times where i looked forward to snuggling down with Bible and journal. it's to the times of prayers that were powerful and that he answered. it's to now. to not making excuses and to not going through the motions. i raise my cup of tea to opening something far more profitable than the newflix tab to watch "how i met your mother" and to spending time with the one being that knows love and myself more than anyone, anything, any being. here is to losing myself and finding it again in the midst of him. 

goodnight loves. xo.

I choose....

After a day filled with grumpiness, judgement and frustration. After feeling incapable in myself and my personality I made up my mind to be me no matter what and to be the best version of myself I can be (with the help of the Lord).

And so this is who I choose to be:.

I choose to smile.
I choose to be quirky.
I choose to not call myself a loser.
I choose to be proud.
I choose to make others  smile.
I choose compassion, love and kindness.
I choose perfectionism.
I choose polka dotted pants.
I choose confidence.
I choose to embrace emotion.
I choose to accept correction but not criticism.
I choose to not be hindered by others.
I choose to be known for the things other can't fault.
I choose to believe in inward beauty.
I choose to befriend the outcast even if it is me.
I choose to have an opinion but only when needed.
I choose to hear advice and not judgment.
I choose friends over enemies.
I choose patience over frustration.
I choose a smile over a frown.
Far above:
I choose to emulate Christ over satan.
I choose to live for eternity instead of in the moment.
I choose weakness in strength over strength in pride.
I choose to pray over worry.
I choose love, chase and pursue Jesus Christ over anything else.

nothing left to give...

i hesitate to write this. 

on the soul purpose of being an emotional "blogger type". 

but i already had the blog. 

so i guess i was always half there. 

ever get to that point. 

nothing left to give. 

family 

direction

fears

thoughts

friends

volunteering

vision

GOD

church

social

school

hobbies

sleeping

all of it. 

when the things we thought brought us satisfaction become.... 

empty. 

okay 

okay okay

stop. 

you're sounding a little depressed there Kay. 

nope. it's not that. 

it's just. 

defeat. 

i just said to some one today. it's not something i've felt before. 

the continue of it anyways. 

it's the i don't know what to do to keep my head up. 

 but that's the thing. 

nothing. 

don't we want the answer. 

the moment. 

the AHHH! i've got it. 

don't we want the motivational saying. 

the emotional eating and shopping trips. 

the run my heart out. 

the friendship and gossip. 

whatever it may be. 

the journalling. 

the tea. 

the bible. 

the Jesus. 

to snap their magical fingers. 

to step in. 

and say. 

come here. 

it's all going to be okay. 

and don't get me wrong. 

that happen. 

i can't count high enough to remember those moments. 

me and Jesus. 

have shared together. 

the countless. 

step into my arms. 

cry. 

i'm here. 

but... 

we're promised. 

drought. 

dry. 

hard. 

blah. 

so i write this to say. 

we've been there. 

all of us. 

i'm there. 

what's next. 

no idea. 

what's your vision. 

no idea. 

what's motivating you. 

no idea. 

what's the good in this week. 

no idea. 

(sure, judge me. tell me what i know. tell me that i'll soar on wings like eagles, the kids in africa are starving, that i have a bed to sleep on friends to call up.. i know. i'm not discounting my blessing, my job, my food or my God.) 

well Kay, this is not encouraging. 

here's the thing. 

it's not. 

i feel blah. 

i feel like i have no idea of much. 

but so I will continue on. 

WHY

cause there is one thing that i will and can cling to. 

that I am loved. 

that he knows how I feel. 

that he gets it. 

that in THIS TIME he interceded on my behalf. 

that he knows I am human. 

that this feeling isn't sinful  (yep... how I act on it sure can be)

that great men of old felt this way (have you read the ps. before)

that they got through. 

i just don't get why we prepared everything is great. 

all the time. 

we all have poop times. (yes poetic right!) 

WHY

because once you've experience 

JESUS CHIRST

in the reailties of who he is

no matter

of anything

anywhere

any time

there is no denying he is real, love, strength, power, majestic, justice, good, faithful. 

MY GOD. 

and he is inside of me. 

and he is what will overcome. 

so go forward. 

maybe not running (though one day you will)

go forth (though it may not be far)

shine for him (though it might not be blinding)

dwell in him (for that is all you can do)

and know. 

he is in you. 

he loves you. 

and all he needs is one step at a time. 

for once you know him. 

there is no going back. 

onward. 

he is working in more way than you know. 

this state of vulnerability. 

he will use it. 

this despair. 

he is in it. 

WATCH OUT. 

for in OUR weakness. HE is made strong. 

WATCH OUT satan. i may feel defeated but you are about to be DEFEATED. 

thanks for listening world. 

love, kay. 

I am shocked by the sheer lack of freedom that we claim and the appearance that through our claimed freedom  as christian how phony we become.

I am free. In him. I will serve him holding nothing back. I will surrender everything. I will be victorious.

Yet in it all.... and despite it all we say this;

I am free but feel condemned by the addictions of my flesh. In him... I am free but I haven't been in him on a daily and faithfully aching way. I will serve him holding nothing back but I just don't want to move there and I just don't want to work there and I feel like I would, could, maybe do more work for you over here. I will be victorious but it would be really nice if I could be victorious in the way of ya' know feel happy, have a nice happy marriage and live in a house with a Pickett fence.

I'm not saying having someone of those things are wrong, I'm not saying all of you say all of those things... well maybe I am.

Cause we are only fooling yourself to think we have not been in one of those places at one point in our lives. I can say it will certainty for the great men of old had the same thoughts and the same struggles.

Job 25

"Then Bildad the Shuhite answered and said: Dominion and fear are with God, he makes pece in his high heaven. Is there any number to his armies? Upon whom does his light not arise? How than can man be in the right before God? How can he who is born of woman be pure? Behold even the moon is not bright, and the starts are not pure in his eyes; how much less man, who is a maggot and the son of man, who is a worm!"

Feel discourage? Feel like you messed up? Feel unpure?

You are. You have. You have reason to be.

BECAUSE this faith you claim. These words you speak of victory and trust. The life you life that should be drastically different than anything this world has seen.

DOES NOT come from anything of you. How can who is born of woman be pure? You're not. You're sinful.

How can who is born of God be pure? Through blood on a cross. Through faith and forgiveness. A forgiveness that is over and over again.

When you find that victorious and place of true surrender in him. CLING TO IT. For few find it. And fewer maintain it.